Saturday, February 13, 2010

"To you i offer my hull, and the tattered cordage of my will."

When i was 12 or 13, upon necessary circumstances, I was shown a movie called The BasketBall Diaries. It was about a highschool basketball star's addiction to heroine. Throughout the movie the narrator would read exerpts from said boy's diary (Jim Carroll) correlating to every emotion felt in his battles. I remember watching the movie, disgusted in disbelief yet i couldn't take my eyes off the screen. I've always felt i had a constant need to know everything about drugs and being an addict. Some constant need to help those beyond help.

When i was 15 or 16 i met Josh - a meth and heroine addict. I fell head over heels for this boy. I couldn't get enough of his stories, and how beautifully he'd construe his highs. An absolute perfect example of how naive i was. There was something about drugs that crept its way into my mind and gave itself a home in a grotesque delusional fairy tale. I wanted to heal. I wanted to help. I wanted to give love that'd overpower an addiction. I wanted him to find me more omnipotent than a cornerside chemical. The cheap kind at that.

I'm awake reading about Jim Carroll and he is brilliant. He describes every emotion, every movement.. just astonishingly. Baring every fiber of human in him. Deliberately naked, exposing his being for the entire world to see in poetry. I cannot seem to describe how confounded i am from his . . .talent. i guess to say.

i feel. i want. i cringe. i need. to know
everything. i need to know everything.
i need i need i need

this lifeinside of me !

1 comment:

  1. And its good that there is rain. It clears the streets of the silent armies.